Myths and Legends
by lotrox
Summary: The Harry Potter crew take on Greek myths! My first attempt at humour. If I've failed well, at least it'll be educational. Chapter One: Perseus and Medusa.


**Stage Directions: **_The Great Hall has been transformed beyond recognition: the four tables that symbolise the houses have been taken away, as have the teachers' table at the front of the room. The raised platform is still there but it has been transformed into a stage – with the red curtains, wings and everything else a good stage has. _

_Chairs fill the room in mismatched array, all facing the stage. In every chair the whole population of the Harry Potter stories are assembled, waiting for an explanation of whatever was going on. Everyone from Harry Potter himself, to dead people brought back to life, to Voldemort. What is strange is that for the time being no-one has any desire to kill or maim each other. They stand or sit, casting light hearted insults at each other from across the room. _

_Suddenly the room goes quiet as the red curtains are magically pulled apart revealing the stage._

_Behold! Ecce! The omnipotent author steps haughtily into view. An awed hush fills the room._

**Lotrox: **People of the Wizarding World! We are gathered here for a purpose and one purpose only: that I may manipulate you into my own desires and fantasies. The topic for the time being is Greek myths. As I do not own you I must make it my business to use you as I will. Thus: Greek myths with a difference! Any questions?

**The Crowd: **…

**Lotrox: **Right. Before we begin let us take a quick role call. On second thoughts, there are too many people here. Is there anyone who isn't here?

**George: **_raises hand_

**Lotrox: **Yes. George?

**George: **I'm not here Miss!

**Lotrox: **_Crosses off name from list _George Weasley absent. Great! Anybody else?

**The Crowd: **…

**Lotrox: **Better and better. Okay I'm sure there's something you must know before we begin. Yes. You may notice that there are those around you who either aren't supposed to be here, or who would normally never be here without murdering someone - _Glances at Voldemort._

Those who were dead shall return to their dead like state when I'm finished, and as for the others – you're just OOC. Don't worry you'll soon be back to normal. Let me have my fun first. Right.

_Pulls out a big heavy book. _

Okay… Greek myths…Great. Today we will act out 'The Gorgon's Head'. First we need casting. Are there any volunteers?

**The Crowd: **…

**Lotrox: **Okay let's see. When I say your name and what part I want you to play could you please go stand to one side? That's my left; your right.

Perseus: the hero – of course that has to be Harry.

**Harry: **_Sigh _why do I always have to play the hero?

**Lotrox: **'Coz that's your job sweetie.

I want: Voldemort, Lily; Polydectes can be Sirius. I also want Sybil, Argus, Sirius, Moody, and Albus.

That'll do for now.

**Hermione: **Don't I get anything?

**Lotrox**: _checking book _

You could be one of the Grey Women.

**Hermione: **…

**Lotrox: **Maybe not… you could be Athena.

**Hermione: **_nodds happily_

**Lotrox: **right. Go back stage and get ready. The rest of you sit back and enjoy the show!

_Curtains open_

**Lotrox: **We start our story in the land of Argos. Acrisius is the king of Argos.

_Acrisius steps forward. _

**Lotrox:** Acrisius goes to the oracle at Delphi wanting information on his future.

_Priestess appears_

**Lotrox: **But the priestess brings a bad omen.

**Trelawney: **_Spooky voice:_

No sons shall be born to you. But you shall have a grandson. He will kill you.

_Priestess screams and vanishes in a puff of smoke._

**Voice from the crowd: **_quietly _That's just wrong…

**Dumbledore: **I must prevent my daughter from ever getting married. I will lock her up in a tower where she shall forever remain away from the sight of all men.

**Lotrox: **_Breaks off from narration:_

Oooh wait. We need a Zeus…

**James: **Oooh pick me! Pick me!

**Lotrox: **Fine… on with the play…

_Narrates:_

But Acrisius reckoned without the gods. Almighty Zeus had a (cough) desire for the lovely young maiden, Danae.

**James: **I have a desire for Danae?

**Lotrox: **He sneaks into her rooms disguised as a shower of gold.

**James: **_raises wand and transfigures gold from nowhere which sprinkles to the ground at Lily's feet._

**Lotrox: **Zeus got his own way…

**James: **Yeah! I am Zeus and I get to…

**Lotrox: **_Whispers _Remember James this is a 'T'.

**James: **huh? A Troll? Where? _Looks round_

**Lotrox: **Not that king of T idiot. It means that there may be young teenagers reading this.

**James: **_looks disappointed _Fine. Princess Danae and Zeus do… stuff… which results in a child being born… Boring… skip the best part why don't you?

**Lily: **_blushes_

**Lotrox: **_Hurriedly _When Acrisius finds this out he is not pleased. _Places a stuffed doll in Lily's arms and steps back._

**Dumbledore: **How dare you, my daughter? Because of your treachery I now have no choice but to make sure that you and your son will never be able to harm me. Ever. I shall now lose a beloved daughter because of your selfish wantonness.

**Lotrox: **Acrisius locks Danae and her son, called Perseus, into a huge oak chest and pushes it out to sea where it floats for a whole day and night to the isle of Seriphos.

**James: **Why does he do that? Surely it would be better to just kill the two of them?

**Lotrox: **Are you still here? Get down!

**James: **_moves to join The Crowd._

**Lotrox: **For our information, the reason Acrisius doesn't kill his daughter and grandson is because he believes that the gods will take revenge on such an open act. Remember: Perseus is the son of Zeus.

**James: **But…

**Lotrox: **_ignores James and moves on_

The chest washes up to the shore and is found by a fisherman. Erm… Remus… you'll do.

**Remus: **_steps up to the stage._

**Lily: **Thank you kind sir for rescuing me and my son. I know that if it weren't for you we would now both be dead. Tell me kind stranger, what be thy name?

**Remus: **Dictys be my name.

**James: **_sniggers_

**Remus: **_ignores James _

Let me offer you my home. For as long as you have need of it.

**Lily: **_takes Dictys' hand. _Gladly Sir.

**Lotrox: **Hang on I'm lost. _Drops book. _Do you know this story? I thought I was supposed to be the narrator.

**Hermione: **_calling from offstage: _Am I on yet?

**Lotrox: **_Shouts _No! Believe you me I'll tell you when you're on. _Sighs _Jeez – it's like working in some kind of mad house full of apes. _Wipes brow. _Where were we?

**James: **Remus was hitting on my wife. _Scowls at Remus._

**Lotrox: **It's called acting James. And for your information Dictys does not 'hit' on Danae. Their relationship is nothing more than platonic.

**The Crowd: **Can we get to the monster bashing already? We want Harry… Harry…Harry…! _Begin chanting his name. _

**Lotrox: **He is called Perseus goddamit. And he's only like a baby now so no we cannot have monster bashing yet. Just be patient. Christ!

**The Crowd: **Aww…. Can't we skip a bit?

**Lotrox: **Fine! We'll just skip out a whole chunk from the hero's life shall we? Fine! Exit Dictys! And James will you get off the goddam stage? Enter Polydectes and teenage Perseus.

_Polydectes and Perseus do not appear._

**Lotrox:**

Oh for the love of… That's you Sirius and Harry! Get out here now! Why do I bother? Really why? What did I just say to you before we started huh?

_Polydectes and Perseus rush on to the stage_

**Lotrox: **Thank you! Right. Polydectes wants to marry the beautiful Danae but Perseus will have none of it.

_There is silence_

**Lotrox: **_glares at Sirius_

**Sirius: **What?

**Lotrox: **_through gritted teeth: _You are Polydectes. I just gave your cue. Talk damn you!

**Sirius: **Oh! _Looks at cue card. _Sweet Danae –

**James: **Watch it Polydectes… Zeus is not happy with this…

**The Crowd: **Ssh…

**Sirius: **_Continues: _

Sweet maiden, to my wife to be, is all that I ask of you. Let me take your son as my own; please let me be able to love you.

**James: **_growls_

**Harry: **Hold it right there Polydectes!

**Voice from Crowd: **In ancient Rome would they really say 'Hold it right there?'

**Lotrox: **We're not in ancient Rome, we're in ancient Greece. Anyway it's artistic licence – look at Voldemort, he's not killed a single person. The great thing about this is that it's all wrong!

**Harry: **Excuse me?

**Lotrox: **_smiles benevolently _Do continue sweetie. I have great plans for you…

**Harry: **_shudders_

Erm… _looks at little white card _I refuse to let you marry my mother.

**James: **Damn right! You tell him boy.

**Voice from Crowd: **You would think that Zeus would actually intervene on behalf of his son wouldn't you? This doesn't really make any sense.

**Lotrox: **_Happily _What does? Its legends and falsehoods, it sure does make for a great storyline though.

_Eyes Harry _Especially when you're allowed to change them to your own desires. That's what's so great about fanfiction – there are absolutely no boundaries! Mwah ha ha ha!

**Harry: **Do I have to do this?

**Lotrox: **yes. Now. Polydectes has a plan to get rid of the infernal brat.

**Sirius: **Hey. Don't call my godson that.

**Lotrox: **its acting, Sirius.

**Sirius: **Yeah… still… _mutters, then looks at cue card. _The time has come, Perseus, for you to win glory for yourself in some bold adventure.

**Harry: **Yes, a chance to get myself killed so you can marry my mother. Great! What am I to do? Is there anything worthy of me?

**Sirius: **Well I was just going to ask you to go down to the shops to order wedding cake but now that you say that I've changed my mind. Bring me the head of Medusa! _Looks round _Who's Medusa?

**Lotrox: **Don't you people know anything? It's like teaching toddlers! You're absolutely useless. Medusa is a Gorgon.

**Sirius: **Well that explains everything. _Shies away from the author's anger. _Cough. That would bring you the greatest fame.

**Harry: **I have only one condition – that there be no wedding until my return.

**Sirius: **Stupid brat, you are not in the position to bargain.

_Danaeenters_

**Sirius: **But if that's what you want I'm sure I can find it in my mighty benevolence to provide.

**Harry: **Great! When can I start?

**Lotrox: **Yay narration! Perseus leaves Seriphos to hunt down the dreaded Medusa. Now here is the bit of exposition that you've all been waiting for: _glances sideways at Sirius _Medusa was one of the three Gorgons, terrible winged monsters who lived alone on an island. They had teeth like tusks of boar, hands of brass, and snakes instead of hair. Medusa was the only one of the three Gorgons who was mortal enough to be slain.

**The Crowd: **Oooh

**Lotrox: **At least I have a good audience.

**Harry: **I'm lost. I do not know where to go to find the Gorgons and I do not know which of them is Medusa, even if I got there. But I will press on! I have the courage and ingenuity to complete my quest and to vanquish my foes.

**Voice from Crowd: **Did they have Gryffindors in Ancient Greece?

**Lotrox: **oh be quiet. _Looks at Harry. _Continue dear.

**Harry: **That's all I have to say.

**Lotrox: **Oh yes. We need a Hermes – _screams loudly: _HERMES! Which one of you snivelling dumbwits is Hermes?

**Hermione: **We don't have a Hermes.

**Ron: **Can I be Hermes?

**Lotrox: **_Hides the surprise in her voice marginally _Sure.

**Ron: **_Climbs up on stage. Waves his wand and into the Great Hall enters Hermes. The owl flutters gracefully around the stage before vanishing into the wings._

Perseus, I approve the high adventure you have in mind. But you must be properly equipped. Without the winged sandals –

**Voice from Crowd: **It's wingéd

**Lotrox: **okay just who is that?

**Voice from Crowd: **…

**Lotrox: **Oh for crying out… stop being so effing pedantic okay? It's not meant to be real…

**Ron: **sandals, the magic wallet, and the helmet of invisibility which the Nymphs of the North possess, you will never succeed. Now I cannot tell you where the Nymphs of the North live, you will have to find out on your own.

**Harry: **Why can't you tell me? Are you not a god?

**Ron: **_mystic voice _The ways of the gods are strange…

**Voice from Crowd: **How long are we going to drag this out before the big finale anyway?

**Lotrox: **What? You want me to skip more? Fine. Go on Hermes… just GIVE him the damn objects.

_Hermes hands Perseus the magic wallet, the helmet, and the winged sandals._

**Harry: **Gee thanks Hermes. _Whispers _Could we not find an actual helmet and sandals?

**Lotrox: **I heard that! And no! Using the invisibility cloak and the Firebolt is so much easier. Do you know how much money it saves me on stage paraphernalia here? I don't have a job. I'm poor. I got made redundant.

**Harry: **You mean you got fired?

**Lotrox: **No. I got made redundant. BIG DIFFERENCE PEOPLE.

_Perseus flies away with the 'magic sandals'._

**Lotrox: **Perseus now has to find the location of the three Gorgon sisters. He must do this by asking of their whereabouts from their three other sisters: the Grey women.

_Exit Hermes. Enter Filch and Moody._

**Voice from Crowd: **didn't you say that there were supposed to be three sisters?

**Lotrox: **I'm sure we can manage with two. Let's play 'make believe'.

Now these three sisters have only one eye and one tooth to share between them. Thus Perseus makes good use of their weakness.

**Harry: **Isn't that a bit… well… Slytherin?

**Lotrox: **No more so than yourself sweetie.

**Filch: **He is approaching sisters…

**Moody: **_growls _Boy! Do you think that you can get the upper hand of us? We are the immortal grey ones… - I refuse to say 'women'.

**Lotrox: **_sighs _Very well.

**Harry: **Do I have to touch that eye?

**Lotrox: **Yes. It's more authentic. That's why I chose to use Moody for this.

_Perseus grabs the eye._

**Harry: **Now imagine what I could do with these… You have good hearing don't you? I could drop them into the ocean and let you hear them as they sink down beneath the waves, never to be used by you again. And you will live forever in darkness and starvation. Now… when I say that I want information I expect you to give it to me.

**Lotrox: **_Fondly _A born Slytherin… _wipes a tear from her eyes._

**Filch: **Why are you so keen to be killed boy? Do you know what our sisters will do with you when they grab hold of you? They will rip you to shreds and wrench out your heart still fully beating; they will pluck your fingers one by one; they will gouge out your eyes with their claws; and the snakes will feast on your flesh.

**Lotrox: **That's not in the script…

**Filch: **It was better than what you had written.

**Harry: **You're too good at this you know… sadist.

**Lotrox: **After an exchange of threats and insults the Grey women eventually concede and angrily tell Perseus where he is to find the three Gorgons.

**Harry: **So long suckers!

**Lotrox: **You're supposed to give the eye and tooth back you know.

**Harry: **Why ever would Perseus do that? We've already agreed that he is a natural born Slytherin. A true Slytherin would never give his enemies any advantage, no matter how small.

**Voice from Crowd: **Here Here.

**Lotrox: **Well Perseus is kinda half and half really. A lot like yourself.

**Harry: **_looks round sacredly _Don't say that out loud – they may think I'm going to turn into the next Voldemort.

**Voldemort: **_calls from offstage _Don't flatter yourself boy!

**Lotrox: **Exit the Grey women please! And Harry give Moody back the eye, there's a good boy.

_They exit._

**Lotrox: **Suddenly we find ourselves at he end of the world. Perseus is near the end of the quest. He just has to kill Medusa then all will be well. There's just one little problem. Medusa can kill him with her stare before you can say 'Basilisk'.

**Crowd: **Arrrrrgghhhhh!

**Lotrox: **_ignores them. _Athena approaches Perseus with help.

**Hermione: **_enters. _Perseus… eek!

**Lotrox: **Can you keep that owl under control please! _Rubs shoulder._

**Hermione: **The owl is the symbol of Athena, it is sacred. _Continues… _The Gorgon Medusa can kill you with just a stare, but using this shield you can look at her and not be petrified.

Is it just me or does this really remind you all of the basilisk?

**Harry: **Guess so. Erm… thank you Athena for this kind gift. I will… ahem… use it well. How cliché.

_Athena leaves._

**Harry: **So I'm guessing that Voldemort is Medusa then?

**Lotrox: **You would think so wouldn't you? But I have other plans.

**Voldemort: **_from offstage _What other plans?

**Lotrox: **_shiftily _I wanted you to be Andromeda.

**Voldemort: **Hell no! With my wand and superior intellect I smite thee.

**Lotrox: **_brushes away curse. _Now Now… _condescendingly _That can change… You can be Medusa if you want.

**Harry: **Who's Andromeda?

**Lotrox: **_sheepishly _The resident love interest.

**Harry: **Oh Christ!

**Lotrox: **What? I'm a slash fan, let me have my fun. But fine… we can skip the slash… _mutters unhappily and beckons the three 'Gorgon's' onto the stage._

**Lotrox: **Sorry Filch but I need you again. Let's see, we need a third Gorgon. How about… Snape!

**Severus: **No… way…

**Lotrox: **aww… but you looked good in a dress.

**Severus: **_eye twitches _

**Lotrox: **_Hastily _Never mind. Let's say that the third sister is sleeping or something then.

**Voice from Crowd: **That's hardly realistic! You're messing up the whole story line.

**Lotrox: **Okay clever dick I'd like to see you do my job!

**Voice from Crowd: **What? Slack off all the time?

**Lotrox: **Okay who is this? Just who is this? I'll give you something to remember me by… _Adopts boxing stance. _

**Voice from Crowd: **…

**Crowd: **…

**Harry: **_Shrugs _…

**Lotrox: **Medusa has snakes in her hair. Why don't we make you feel more at home Voldie?

_Snakes appear._

**Lotrox: **Better _bending over to stroke one._

**The Crowd: **_Moves back_

**Voldemort: **He is coming sisters. The one who was prophesied. The one who is destined to face me.

**Harry: **Prepare to die worm!

**Voldemort: **_Looks down at cue card. _Hey Muggle! The words are missing.

**Lotrox: **Here – _hands him new cue card._

**Voldemort: **_hands them back. _Nice try Lady.

**Lotrox: **Oh come on – please… just a little slash. Make me happy? _Flutters eyelashes._

**Voldemort: **You are disturbing. Really. That's just gross. Cross species?

**Lotrox: **_sighs and gives the correct cue card to Voldemort._

**Voldemort: **This is the one who was prophesied to be my destruction? This mere boy?

**Harry: **I am no mere boy, Medusa. I am Perseus of Seriphos. And I am going to kill you.

**Voldemort: **_laughs _You can't kill me! Useless boy.

**Harry: **Wow Tom, even as Medusa you underestimate me.

**Voldemort: **_puts on the eyes of death._

_But Perseus is looking at Medusa through the magic shield so it does not affect him. _

**Lotrox: **Then Perseus sweeps in for the attack and swipes off Medusa's head with the sickle.

**Harry: **What sickle?

**Lotrox: **Why the sickle Athena gave… Oh yeah. I forgot about it.

**Voldemort: **_rolls eyes._

**Lotrox: **Anyway that's not the point. _Glares at Medusa. _The point is, is that you kill Medusa, put the head into the magic bag Hermes gave you, then you fly back to Seriphos to get your revenge on Polydectes.

**Harry: **Fun! _Swipes off Voldemort's head._

_Voldemort exits the stage._

**Lotrox: **But… before you get back we have the love interest.

**Harry: **Why is there always a love interest?

**Lotrox: **Because that's what makes the story interesting. Thus love 'interest'. _Pause. _Are you sure we can't bring Voldemort back?

**Harry: **_Emphatically _No!

**Lotrox: **How about Snape? Draco? Blaise? Hell how about Ron? Come on we need some guy/guy stuff.

**Harry: **Absolutely not!

**Lotrox: **_mutters _Fine… but just you wait until we do the story of Persephone…

**Harry: **What?

**Lotrox: **Nothing! Fine. We'll use Cho.

**Harry: **Thank you! Jeez… Psycho…

**Lotrox: **Andromeda is the only child of Cepheus, king of the Ethiopians. The beautiful Cassiopeia is her mother. It is the beauty of her mother that has her chained there because of the jealously of the gods. – It's called Hubris. Hubris is when you put yourself on the same level as the gods. Anyway as Andromeda is so beautiful the gods must demand her death because her mother boasted that her beauty surpassed the beauty of the gods. She -

**Voice from Crowd: **_Coughs._

**Lotrox: **_looks at clock. _Oh time! Right! Long story short… Daughter of King. Sacrificed to Poseidon God of the Sea. Rescued by our very own handsome hero. They get married. The End.

_Shoves Cho offstage happily._

**Lotrox: **But… before that happens Perseus pays a visit to Atlas – the Titan holding up the sky. Hagrid?

_Atlas stands at one corner of the stage, holding up the sky._

After that the blustery winds caught Perseus and drove him like a wisp of cloud here and there through the sky. He gazed down from the high heavens upon distant lands as he whirled above the whole world. Thrice he saw the frozen Arctic, thrice the tropics beneath Cancer's spreading claws. Often was he driven beneath the sunset, often into the sunrise. Finally, as the day ended, fearful of committing himself to the night, he landed on the Hesperides, the Kingdom of Atlas, and tried to sleep until the Morning Star should summon the flush of Aurora and Aurora call the chariots of the day.

Atlas, the son of the titan Iapetus, was the largest of all men. His was the westernmost land and the sea which received the Sun's panting horses and his chariot's squeaking wheels. A thousand flocks and as many herds wandered through his pastures, and no neighbours crowded his domains. On his trees, golden leaves sprouted from golden branches and shaded golden apples. Beneath -

**Harry: **I don't mean to rush you but it's midnight and we're all tired, and some of us – _glances meanfully at the puppet master – _Do have school tomorrow.

**Lotrox: **Barbarian. Philistine! How can you not appreciate Greek literature? What I Was saying was a direct translation of Ovid's Perseus. Ovid was a renowned Greek poet and you… but yes. Okay. _Sighs heavily._

And by the way I also have school tomorrow. Or is it today now? Anyway…

Next Perseus returns to Polydectes to find that there are marriage celebrations in place. He goes to the guards and asks entrance.

**Harry: **I bring a wedding present for my esteeméd step-father.

**Lotrox: **Perseus enters the Hall and tells Polydectes that he has the head of Medusa.

_Enter Sirius._

**Sirius: **How dare you! You say that you will kill Medusa yet you return and lie to my court, myself and you mother about it. Now go away and complete your quest.

**Harry: **Not so my Lord. Let those who believe me stand to my left and avert your eyes.

**Lotrox: **Thus Harry… Erm… Perseus… brings out the head of Medusa and turns the king and his court to stone. Then they all live happily ever after.

**Voice from Crowd: **Doesn't the story have a tragic ending?

**Lotrox: **Not really.

**The Voice: **What about the prophecy?

**Lotrox: **_glares in general direction of speaker. _I was just getting to that. You need to be patient.

Perseus kills his Grandfather by throwing a discus at him at the games. Thus the Prophecy comes true.

**The Crowd: **_Sighs…_

**Lotrox: **And the moral of the story is: "if you run from your fate it is sure to catch up with you."

**Voldemort: **_eyes Harry _Too true.

**Lotrox: **The End.

**The Crowd: **…

**Lotrox: **Cue for clapping people. Jeez I didn't just do this for my own entertainment you know… Hours and hours of hard work for nothing? I don't think so. _Sends death glare. Several people fall over from shock._

**The Crowd: **_Claps hastily. _

**Lotrox: **_Beams… _Thank you so much. I don't deserve it… Well yes I do… but thank you… _Bows. _

Right. What's next?


End file.
